You exit the airport with little worry, thinking you can get your burger fix later. I mean you saw the pantheon of fast-food gods in the airport and you gotta come back here to go home right? So you venture inland, secure in the knowledge that you will get your chance.
By the third meal you realize that every menu you look at does not have any beef on it. You might get lucky and see some lamb (which is a poor substitute for beef anyway) but usually the menus are all chicken, vegetable dishes, tofu, rice and seasonings. Not wanting to offend your hosts, you embrace your intrepid traveler's persona and try the local cuisine, wearing all smiles, and undaunted you continue.
A little later on, you start to notice the cows walking around everywhere. I mean they are literally stray animals wandering where ever they want. They can even wander into the middle of the Delhi Demolition Derby,( commuting for the uninitiated) in the middle of rush hour and not get hit. Curious, you ask about the cows and are told that they are sacred animals so they will not be harmed. No joke. Cars will come to a screetching halt to avoid hitting a cow. In fact, they'll hit another car first before they strike a cow, which I guess explains why they won't be put under the hamburger knife any time soon! Now you start to worry.
After about the third day or so, you start to notice a low pang in your gut.; a kernel of craving if you will, as you REALLY start to want a burger. But you are not to be fulfilled just yet. Instead you continue your journey North to Haridwar, a very holy city in Northern India by the Ganges river. Locals go there to release the ashes of their deceased loved ones into the holy waters or bathe in the river. It is a very spiritual place for them, which means that there is NO meat at all. None. No chicken, no lamb and no beef. Zip. On top of that there is no alcohol either! The most toxic substance on the menu is Pepsi! Now you're really screwed and your body is practically eating itself from the inside for want of a hamburger. You start counting the days until you fly back so you can make that last stop.
Finally your travels are nearly over and you arrive at the airport, exchange your rupees and head through the security gates. Once through you stroll around the duty free shops to see if there is anything worth bringing home but walk away empty handed. Then your stomach pipes up and reminds you it's hungry and you remember that you saw a McDonald's on the way in. That's right! Time to kill that craving! Surely McDonald's, the most holy of hamburger joints, has a big mac waiting for you! Eagerly you go upstairs to the food court in the international terminal, and turn to see the Golden Arches ahead. Like a moth to a flame you approach and your mouth waters because you're thinking about how good its going to be to sink your teeth into a quarter pounder with cheese! You can practically taste the ketchup and mustard as it melts into the soft bun and patty. You walk up to the counter and look up to find the holy grail of hamburgers and....it's not there!
Wait just a minute.
Filet o fish? Yup.
McChicken Sandwich? Yup.
Veggie Mac?? What's THAT. disgusted you keep looking, panic welling up in you.
And there on the far left is the Maharajah burger. Surely that is it right? But no. It's not a beef burger... It is a veggie pattie too!
Then it dawns on you that even McDonald's sold out; caved to the cult of the cow. Dejected you walk away still thinking of the ketchup and mustard on the beef patty as it hits your tongue. You are not to be satisfied until you set foot on American soil my friend.
So remember dear travelers what I'm telling you. If your going to India, you better pack some hamburgers in your suitcase because its gonna be a long trip!
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